Learning to express

Learning to associate.

Welcome to this blog post! It has been awhile since publishing any content — my attention as of yet has to bring myself into some kind of balance in more ways than one. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. A lot has been going on and I almost forgot how therapeutic journaling can be.

Recently, It has come to mind that I have not yet officially introduced myself; I also feel as though some may only understand a surface like version of me. Since, like others I’m sure – I don’t open up so easily to personal affairs.

In most conversations I am simply just an ear with the occasional words to share.  Listening to not just what people have to say – but anything at all allows space to learn.

As I go on I can’t help but wonder where I should start? Over the past two years or so in particular, I have noticed an immense shift within, delving into what some may consider an unfolding awareness of ‘ The Self’. Since then, I have tried to find a comfortable and accurate way to express what I have to say without using the words ‘I’ , ‘me’ or ‘mine’. Because after what I have come to learn during my lifetime thus far, it’s that — the only thing I believe really mine for sure is my soul. I thought I don’t really own whatever it was that I saw, I just kind of witnessed it as there. Everything experiences life from its own perception and perspective just like me. Even if it wasn’t anything of material substance, it was with people as well. I learnt about attachment and the pain that can come with it when we feel we’ve lost something that belongs to us. I learnt and am still learning how to let things go, not resisting what is meant to be. This included this sense of ownership that developed(s) in many people including myself from a young age. ‘My toy’ later turns into ‘My car’ or ‘My house’… ‘My Mummy’ or ‘My Daddy’ later shows up in our lives as other relationships like ‘My Boyfriend’ or ‘My Girlfriend’ or even ‘My Best Friend’ or with our children or whatever. There's nothing entirely wrong with this unless left long unchecked, but my point is that, people and things come and go and in the end nothing is really yours to keep. Stepping into a more conscious living life, possessiveness somehow had vanished.

We enter this life with nothing but our soul and we will leave the same way. Without acceptance of this we will always feel at loss. This isn’t to say however that we cannot enjoy what we are blessed with, if anything it encourages and teaches us how to appreciate what and who we do have.Everything outside of me has its own consciousness outside of my full control. I’ve accepted that.

This is the reason I find it complicated at times to say or express what I’ve meant or mean. Hence, recent major writers block. (thankfully it has passed for now). I have this overall restored sense of knowing and realisation that on a larger scale we are all connected in some way, shape &/or form beyond just physically, we are apart of something much greater than we can even fully comprehend and therefor I now see everyone as a mirror to my own awareness in one or way or another. I was just afraid of slipping into an autopilot mind state on which in my previous blog touches on social conditioning etc and living in a complex reality and matrix.

So here I am doing my best to express myself through the use of I, me and mine. Instead of continuously saying things that have a background sense of oneness; although true and although this is how it was most comfortable for me at one stage to communicate. I was somehow only able to think of oneness and how everything is ultimately connected and hence my world became ‘We’, ‘Us’ and ‘Ours’ making it hard to communicate personal things.

{ a table of words that learnt to redefine }

Eventually though, I learnt to see things in a dualistic way again and decipher that there is in fact a degree of separateness in all that is connected too. I recently learnt that separateness and oneness co – exist and are actually one in the same thing. ☯

I attempt to speak my mind and heart when I say things, that's just the way words came to me often. I was also getting into “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz during this time. The first agreement is ‘Be impeccable with your word’. I was just being mindful with what I say to myself and others because I began to realise how powerful the word is and what it can manifest.

I read once that people can only meet you as far as they’ve met themselves. I wonder maybe, that that’s why I had to unlearn and relearn a lot. To successfully reconnect with others.

I realise at 23 years of age, I am quite the deep soul,  just like everyone else — but there’s some kind of optimism and satisfaction I get when I am blessed with opportunity to connect with people on a deeper level and I think it's safe to say 9 times out of 10 its further than most peoples comforts. I really like to dig deep.

After all, I’ve only ever heard good things come from the acronym ‘DNM’.

I guess the whole reason I am writing anything at all is because I enjoy it and if I am honest, there are many things I find I enjoy truly. Writing is one of them.  – Stella Soul aka Whitney ♡